My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
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jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.