@JohnLyonTweets

My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.

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@BitchyJasmine

‘If u insinuate that I’m fat again, I’m leaving you!’ ‘Don’t be selfish, think about the baby.’ ‘What baby?’ ‘Oh, so you’re not pregnant?’

@mydmac

*speed dating

So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.

@SlackArab

If you lend someone $20 and never see them again, it was probably worth it.

@WilliamAder

Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.

@DaddingAround

Thinking of having kids?

Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.

You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.

@AbbieEvansXO

me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember

me 5 seconds later: oh no

@CoachChelley

How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?

@SlabBaconBP

My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.

@gogglepossum

[talking to my son]

Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name

@haleysfalling

hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please

“you mean a bloody mary”

yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up