My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
You Might Also Like
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
それは草
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France