@brianbowman73

My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.

Don’t worry. I never get laid.

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@AlexvanBeek

EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.

@Xoolun

My wife tells me she wants me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away.

I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.

@MrMildSauce

It’s not working. I’ve napped every day this week at work and not a single raise or promotion. Sleeping my way to the top was a stupid idea.

@Skoog

[a robber breaks into my house]

me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him

my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]

me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho

@SashaBrenner

One of the wheelchair basketball team players has been tested positive for WD40 🙁

@LizHackett

1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM

@oxygenplug

if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy

@StymieBrewer

Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.

@Sean_Burgundy_

Window repairman: What happened did someone try to break into your house?

Me: No. My gf said we needed to talk

@weinerdog4life

If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns