My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
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My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.