My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
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RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
I’ve had relationships like this