My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
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“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Unexpected Judgment
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?