“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
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paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Safety first
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
huge valentines day plans this year!!
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Weirdly Wednesday.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.