My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
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“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
CUTE CAT‼︎
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)