My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
You Might Also Like
Is….Is this an option?
I’m so lucky, I married my best friend!! I hope my husband doesn’t find out
If your name is π, and your mom is standing at the top of the stairs yelling “3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592307816406286…” you’re about to get in some trouble.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with a pocket knife and the contents of a woman’s purse.
You know who’s really upset about Romney losing? Wire coat hanger manufacturers.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
They say smoking marijuana causes memory loss. Well if that’s true, how come I never forget to smoke marijuana? Checkmate.