My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
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I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.