@Aspersioncast

My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.

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@Midgetspar

My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”

@meganamram

I’m so lucky, I married my best friend!! I hope my husband doesn’t find out

@thenatewolf

If your name is π, and your mom is standing at the top of the stairs yelling “3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592307816406286…” you’re about to get in some trouble.

@silvertongue37

I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with a pocket knife and the contents of a woman’s purse.

@michaelianblack

You know who’s really upset about Romney losing? Wire coat hanger manufacturers.

@psybermonkey

Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months

Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert

Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know

Me: what?

Nurse: Coldplay sucks

@ayyyyloser

Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji

@TheBeerGuy73

I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.

@ericonederful

They say smoking marijuana causes memory loss. Well if that’s true, how come I never forget to smoke marijuana? Checkmate.