My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
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to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
podcasts
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
uncle dave has been through hell
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
a badder mouse
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.