My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…

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Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon


Date: Uhh seriously?

Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too

*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*


[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum


You’re supposed to throw rice at new babies and their mothers, right? Traditions are weird.


The baby in the car next to me is either unable to control his arms or hes throwing me gang signs. Im not taking any chances.

*locks doors*


Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.


Everyone said it was a bad idea to store glue in the same cabinet as my rifles but I’m sticking to my guns.


[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]

“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”


HER: Whisper in my ear

ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star