scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
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[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
God: no stop that
The secret to my success lies with you having a poor grasp on it’s definition.
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?