My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
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I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
This why you should mind your business
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.