My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
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Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Is fake venison called venisn’t
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
🤣could you imagine
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…