My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
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fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.