My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.

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Hubby: This dinner is not gonna make itself!!!!!

And that ladies and Gentleman is how I starred on “COPS”


I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.


My boss said , “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting wearing my wonder woman costume


I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.


Whoever discovered cows must have been annoyed that the name ‘moose’ was already taken.


Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?


Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.


If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.


Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully