Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
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For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Put a ring on it
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*