@mommymemeoirs

My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.

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@andlikelaura

Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions

Therapist: I think you’re regressing

Me: *screams* am i?

@sarcasticmommy4

I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.

@TeflonPawn

Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.

@cepheusjackson

SON: *first word* momma.

MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.

@CooIStepDad

[on a date]

“I usually don’t do this but..”

*runs out on date so she has to pay*

@fro_vo

god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no

@MomOnFire

Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.

@bobvulfov

day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island

day 18: im starting to think that help will never come

day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!

day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen

@ShortSleeveSuit

BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat

ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*

BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?