My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
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Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Yep.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.