Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
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I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
me hooking up with my ex
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
We’ve come full circle
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.