My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
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Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”