My sensitive toothpaste can’t stop crying.

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Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes


Nephew: [crying in line for Santa photo]
Me: what’s wrong?
Nephew: He scares me
Me: why? are you [turns to camera] Claustrophobic?


Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.


A horror movie with an all black cast

“Ayo what’s that noise in your basement?”

“None of my business”

“You right”



A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge


I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.


There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.


Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.


My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.