@Cheeseboy22

My sensitive toothpaste can’t stop crying.

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@TheOnion

Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes

@daplusk

Nephew: [crying in line for Santa photo]
Me: what’s wrong?
Nephew: He scares me
Me: why? are you [turns to camera] Claustrophobic?

@SuperRandomish

Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.

@BlvckGrip

A horror movie with an all black cast

“Ayo what’s that noise in your basement?”

“None of my business”

“You right”

*credits*

@WotDLuck

A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge

@Hobo_Splendido

I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.

@cravin4

There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.

@bingowings14

Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.

@MunkMania

My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.