The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
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Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Watermelon Boss!
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?