my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
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Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
reduce, reuse, recycle
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”