@sixfootcandy

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.

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@TheHyyyype

the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations

@NicestHippo

We’d love to offer you the job
[My phone buzzes] Congrats on your 250? tweet!
ME [leaving]: Lol no thanks I won’t be needing to work anymore

@SergioValenCo

”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!

@Sarcasticsapien

When someone says “excuse me while I slip into something more comfortable”, how long are they usually gone? Two days seems like a long time.

@NotthatAdamWest

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.

@piddle_fart

“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”

It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.

@PrisonCookies

If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone

@kumailn

Donald Sterling saying racism is not a problem is like mosquitoes saying malaria is not a problem.

@BaneTheBOSS

What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? “the Dark Knight Rises”