@sixfootcandy

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.

- @sixfootcandy

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@Darlainky

This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?

@peterjames48

How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.

@Adar79Angie

When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.

@Fuzzy_sue

Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind

@RatBatallion

My favorite part of the bible is when god gives people free will and then kills everyone with a flood for not acting the way he wanted .

@papasuncle

[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.

@Mardigroan

No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.