My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
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Saint West, the patron of selfies
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?