@sixfootcandy

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.

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@funderlaw

Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.

@thenatewolf

*First day as an exorcist*

ME: [voice a bit louder than normal] Just gonna put this GHOST PIE on top of this harmless pile of leaves. Sure hope no GHOSTS see it…

@Merman_Melville

Apple watch, loudly: “It is time for you to poop”
Me: “A-as I was saying, our investors h-”
Watch, louder: “It is your optimal poop time”

@0point5twins

“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”

*flirty giggle* “ok…”

“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”

@o__0Dev

I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.

@UncleDuke1969

SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.

DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?

SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.

@ilovepie84

” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”

Me if I was on the Titanic.

@AimeeHelene1

Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…

Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.

@DivorceDad

I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.