the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
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We’d love to offer you the job
[My phone buzzes] Congrats on your 250? tweet!
ME [leaving]: Lol no thanks I won’t be needing to work anymore
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
When someone says “excuse me while I slip into something more comfortable”, how long are they usually gone? Two days seems like a long time.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Donald Sterling saying racism is not a problem is like mosquitoes saying malaria is not a problem.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? “the Dark Knight Rises”