Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
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starting a podcast where i don’t speak. it’s just 48 minutes of complete silence. u put it on whenever u want a break from listening to music or other podcasts
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*Have you been drinking?
*What time is it?
~How my send button should function
“Hey! check out my new ink” *removes shirt, stands naked*
“Dude!, I don’t see anything”
“It’s invisible ink”
Inventor: so a flying balloon
Me: i’m with you
Inventor: big flame over your head
Me: sounds good
Inventor: no steering
Inventor: *snorting coke* and you’re in a wicker basket
Me: i’m in
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten
Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me
Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same