@samalmightysam

My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.

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@onion_an

Me: What music you into?

Date: I love hip hop

Me: Yeah me too

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin

@meganamram

22,110! 22,109! 22,108! 22,107! 22,106! 22,105! 22,104! 22,103! 22,102! 22,101! 22,100! 22,099! 22,098! 22,097! 22,096! 22,095! 22,094!

@megchambe

going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people

@AsianOtherWhite

My dog has figured out I’m Chinese. He totally tried to make a run for it.
Silly dog, I’m not going to eat you until I train a replacement.

@ellewasamistake

so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*

@TheMichaelRock

Why is everyone mad at Kim Davis? Nobody in the government does their job.

@dog_feelings

the human has started opening and shutting the garage door. pretending to have just gotten home. because they missed how excited that makes me

@HenpeckedHal

professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM

@KalvinMacleod

[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*