My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
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Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator