Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
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22,110! 22,109! 22,108! 22,107! 22,106! 22,105! 22,104! 22,103! 22,102! 22,101! 22,100! 22,099! 22,098! 22,097! 22,096! 22,095! 22,094!
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
My dog has figured out I’m Chinese. He totally tried to make a run for it.
Silly dog, I’m not going to eat you until I train a replacement.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Why is everyone mad at Kim Davis? Nobody in the government does their job.
the human has started opening and shutting the garage door. pretending to have just gotten home. because they missed how excited that makes me
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
creepy math book…
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*