My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
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*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises