My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
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Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Succinctly put.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
I’ve been drinking.
We all have our pet causes.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins