A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
You Might Also Like
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
I love people who IM me to tell me that they left a voice message to say that they sent me an email
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
*sprinkles rose petals*
*puts on Barry White*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Every headline on the internet
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice