@BoomBoomBetty

My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.

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@LivibelsDada

You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.

@TechnicallyRon

“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”

@somelightcrying

DUDE: first of all

ME: oh shit this dude’s about to make more than one point

@CAshmanActor

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

@mishakey

Why haven’t you introduced me to your followers yet? Are you ashamed of me?

@Dutch_50

So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?

@RachelNoise

Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.

@NikiWithIssues

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such c**ts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.