@TheToddWilliams

My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.

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@pharmasean

If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s

@renchanted

People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?

@MikeDrucker

ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”

ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”

@abysmalkittybee

I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.

@Overdue_Bills

Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.

@Pro_Jones_

Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP

Me: I’m woke

Kids: How woke?

Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.

@MikeEpps___

Niggas Dont even say grace before meals anymore . They just Hold up Their Phones over the Plate , snap a Pic , & Post it on Instagram

@Test_of_Steron

Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.

@AJslackie2

2007 social media: wow connected with an old friend from high school

2017 social media: the cheese smoked gouda is linked to racism