My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
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Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
FRED: right
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY