“What’s your secret?!”
I eat fireworks
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
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I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
HOW DARE YOU
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Whenever I’m feeling low, I grab a pen.. and I write something joyful and happy to lift my spirits.
Today I’m writing my bosses obituary.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.