My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
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Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.