date: i think my eyebrows are my worst feature
me: [trying to compliment her] not true, you have many worse features
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
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It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
what do we want???
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words