Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
You Might Also Like
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
What fresh Hell is this?!?
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut