My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
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If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?