my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
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*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Those are good neighbors.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Watermelon Boss!
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”