my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
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What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]