You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
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darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
4yo: You’re a good dad.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Lawyer: TELL ME WHY YOU STABBED HIM
Me: Well, he responded to a text by calling and left me a voicemail.
[Lawyer throws up]
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
It’s times like these that you find out what people are really made of. And apparently I’m made of wine, cheetohs and anxiety.
Ikea meatballs pulled from shelves because they contain horse meat. Man, that’s the last time I buy meatballs at a furniture store.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.