@jeannerbeaner

My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.

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@JesseWeller

You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.

@andlikelaura

darth vader: i killed three planets

thanos: i killed half the universe

voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times

thanos: a kid, really

darth vader: wow

voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay

@EverydayGirlDad

4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.

@ComedicBust

Lawyer: TELL ME WHY YOU STABBED HIM

Me: Well, he responded to a text by calling and left me a voicemail.

[jurors gasp]

[Lawyer throws up]

@TweetPotato314

I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.

@MarioInAZ

Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.

@Divergentmama

It’s times like these that you find out what people are really made of. And apparently I’m made of wine, cheetohs and anxiety.

@

Ikea meatballs pulled from shelves because they contain horse meat. Man, that’s the last time I buy meatballs at a furniture store.