@jeannerbeaner

My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.

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@madeleinedoux

Judge: *whispering* pls stop introducing yourself like this just because u work in my chambers it doesn’t m-
Me: YES HI IM HIS CHAMBERMAID

@marinarachael

I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖

🐷

🐽

@dmc1138

Every TV commercial right now: “You’re not just a customer, you’re family.”

All of us: “That’s actually worse.”

@NicestHippo

WIFE: I can’t take it anymore. Your incorrect use of idioms is tearing us apart!
ME [taking her hand]: Cat got your tongue?

@PJTLynch

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that

@Staggfilms

FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.

COP: How can you be sure?

GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.

@thejessbess

DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.

ROMANTIC WATER.

@ShellHasDragons

No, Facebook camera, I just sat on the toilet, I don’t want to take a picture to commemorate the moment.

@charrrllaa

If anyone finds 786 barely used tubes of Chapstick around my city, they’re mine. I need them all back.