My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
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Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.