My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
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Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.