You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
My signature move, is pulling on a push only door, when attempting to get it for a woman.
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“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
I picked up an ice cream cake & the cashier said keep it in the freezer until serving so it doesn’t melt. I’ve got to start dressing smarter
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.