@One2thTEXAN

My signature move, is pulling on a push only door, when attempting to get it for a woman.

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@simoncholland

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.

@Ristolable

“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son

@Stexcy

Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

@jjhartinger

I picked up an ice cream cake & the cashier said keep it in the freezer until serving so it doesn’t melt. I’ve got to start dressing smarter

@MrWordsWorth

Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.

@PaperWash

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.

@cwhudson

BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple

@ThisLocalHater

[During sex]

Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.

@TeeJayRush

It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…

We don’t speak Bingo here…