*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
You Might Also Like
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
*frowns in Scottish*
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there