My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.

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Taco Bell manager: I’m sorry, you didn’t get the job. It’s your drug test

Me: so you mean…

Manager: yes, you passed. Get high & re-apply


No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.


If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.


GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?

[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]

ME: car his keys.


How many drinks do I buy a girl if I want her to come home with me and clean up my room?


If cupcakes could talk, boy, there sure would be a lot of screaming in my house.


Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’