I love walking down the street smiling to myself. It really freaks people out. Especially if my trousers are round my ankles.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
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Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
HR: Did you call Brenda fat?
Me: No. I told her that based on her size, she should be more jolly.
Me: Big difference.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
a co-worker asked me if I was pregnant and I panicked and said yes so now I have to gradually gain like 30 pounds
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense