@Diversion50

My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.

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@IrishVin

I love walking down the street smiling to myself. It really freaks people out. Especially if my trousers are round my ankles.

@LostFelicia

Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118

@OllyiConic

[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-

@TheMichaelRock

HR: Did you call Brenda fat?

Me: No. I told her that based on her size, she should be more jolly.

HR…

Me: Big difference.

@primawesome

Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

@daisy_haggard

My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..

@IamEnidColeslaw

a co-worker asked me if I was pregnant and I panicked and said yes so now I have to gradually gain like 30 pounds

@Darlainky

A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”

@DaddyJew

Librarian: can I check you out?

Me: sure [spins around]

Librarian: I meant your book

Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense