my signature move is yelling “where in the fridge?!” and “i don’t see it!” until my mom comes and finds the applesauce for me

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me: well, you know, change is inedible

her: i think you mean inevitable

me: *spitting out several nickels* nope


Stole a cart from this woman at Walmart today. I like to think of it as playing grand theft auto suburbs edition.


This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.


*Answers door naked*

Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲

Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.


[wine and cheese]

HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?

370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks


[on knees]

“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”

[from heavens]

“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”


My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.


one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier


As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.