My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
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If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
you stereotypes are all alike
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story