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My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Breaking news:
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”