My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
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My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle