I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
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ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you