Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
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*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
When God closes a door, He usually makes sure my fingers are in it.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
How do I tell a man he loves me?
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Me: Your baby looks exactly like you.