@laurenreeves

My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”

You Might Also Like

@cakickboxher

Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me

@PretendMaker

*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers

@goldengateblond

There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”

@mom_tho

I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.

And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.

@jordan_stratton

I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.

@JasonLastname

Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?

@Vodkantots

Me: Your baby looks exactly like you.
Her: Thanks!
Me: k