My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
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Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
at ease…shoulder.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry