My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
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Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change