My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.

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REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!

ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast


art teacher: is that a bird or a plane

young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*


I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.


Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.


Please stop sacrificing animals to me, Hell is starting to look like a zoo.


her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies


Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.


My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!

Me: oh cool what are they?



If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”