My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
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[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
This is always good for a laugh.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
The two types of wives