My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.

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Me: How is your chicken?

Mario: It needsa salt.

Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*


I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.


If you’re hot I’m going to follow you. nnnnJust like I do on twitter.


[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.


Please spare a thought for my 3yo who today discovered the lemon muffins she asked me to bake taste of actual lemon and not chocolate


[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?


Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.


[arriving at the international space station]

other astronaut: so how are things down there

me: a bit chafed tbh


A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible