Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
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The symmetry is uncanny.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
If you’re hot I’m going to follow you. nnnnJust like I do on twitter.
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Please spare a thought for my 3yo who today discovered the lemon muffins she asked me to bake taste of actual lemon and not chocolate
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible