My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
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Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Choose your fighter
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.