reviewed some movies recently
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Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.