my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
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This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Well well well…
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with