I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
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[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’