My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
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[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year